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(@toby-underwood)
Posts: 2398
Noble Member
Topic starter
 

No name yet, it takes place after the first section of stories (RPers read as Post-Evalc's) when Toby's an adult and stuff. I know it's rough and the characters aren't well introduced. But comments are still welcome.

Tremors:

Noone believes in things they cannot see, things they cannot touch or other wise prove exist. But sometimes events of that very nature happen, by this it's meant that even when a man excepts his past and moves on, it can reach him. Tobias Underwood is one such example, for as long as he cares to remember he's been the dubbed 'computer whiz kid' of small space vessel. It came complete with a father figure in the form of Robert Cal, a large Kydane of the canine persuasion and rather big sisterish figure with the human Lori Hill, the ships rather tomboyish engineer. There was drama and the like, but it was normal interaction, they got by, had fun, and above all stayed out of the spotlight of anything. But as the saying goes, nothing can last forever. One year previous to this day Tobias, now a average sized grown Kydane Lepoid, began to have dreams of an unnatural origin.

Night is a time of dreams, always varied and unpredictable these enigma's of sleep range from the exotic pleasure to horrific death, or so one is led to believe. These dreams that began for Tobias were not some fictional happening, they were specific event in his past. While it is not uncommon to replay an important decision in your mind it's something different for there to be no choice in changing the event, even less likely is it for that dream to harass a person nightly for the better part of a year.

It was always the same, he was young again, an adolescent, they were on a godless world he'd shoved from his memories and a demon from the past of both he and his older half brother Rico was there. The demon had two forms as well, at first it was the leader of what history books called a civilization driven mad by their devotion to a truthless faith. But as familiar faces fought it the demon began to change forms, a face appeared on this demon that both paralyzed and enraged him. A smiling female striking reminiscent of himself, and well earned as this demon of his past, this creature trying to end him and his friends? Was his birth mother, Connie Droegemeier. One by one those he considered strong fell or ran, soon it was only him and his protector, his guardian, Rico. They had a plan though, a fool proof one, a tested one. It had saved them once in the past against another seeming demonic accoster. Their races innate ability to focus ambient energy for any use allowed them to complete transform their own bodies in times of horrific stress, and eminent death was a strong motivator for the process. The two brothers plan was a simple but effective one, switch forms. Tobias was to mold himself to Rico's form and don his clothing and weapons, Rico the same of his belongings and likeness. Next was a simple matter of Tobias fooling the foe into believing he was the real threat. That accomplished all that was left was for Rico to use his training in the facilities now deemed barbaric and insane by the world consensus to launch some form of supernatural attack on their enemy to incapacitate if not kill them. Either way they could make their escape.

The plan was going as planned when he charged out of their hiding place to deceive his mother, however something happened. There was no thunderous blast or lightning fast sword strike to end her, the fatal blow was hers and hers alone. The dream ended with him feeling a warm sensation through his chest and shoulder, then soul shattering pain accompanying a final image of his mother's smiling face as his vision faded and he awoke drenched in sweat and screaming his brother's name.

Now this was repeated over the course of almost an entire year, no explanation of why it suddenly began or what would end it. The young man began to grow frustrated and started to isolate himself from even his older male figure and even his relationship with Lori started to deteriorate. It had to end, something had to give. And tonight he knew what he had to do, this decision brings up to the current day.

Rabbits, Girls, and Spaceships:

"I heard you again last night." The girl's voice was nagging as always, but laced with concern. Tobias was hunched over a monitor, his fingers slowed hearing her but did not stop the rhythmic beeping as the touchpad processed his commands, "Yeah, you're two beds down, I bet you ain't the only one that heard it. don't worry, I have a solution." The blond human folded her still grease covered arms over the front of his overalls, "No way Tobe. You are NOT sleeping in the engine room again. It worries me when you do @#%$ like that." The rabbit smirked, "Nah, that doesn't help anymore either. Myca said he thinks he knows a way, you know how he is, Lori." She sighed picking up a wrench and tapping it in time with Toby's keystrokes, "He creeps me out, all that magic junk is just weird. I don't know why Robbie lets him stay, he thinks he's some kinda cowboy wizard or something." Tobias stopped typing and adjusted his glasses as if remembering something, "He's a Warden, I know you humans don't live that long so I guess you don't remember all that stuff." He straightened and popped his back, wheeling his chair to face the girl. "I guess it is pretty weird though, I'm used to that kinda stuff. Grew up around it."

Lori stopped tapping the wrench and paused, then giggled. Toby looked sour, "What're you laughing at?" She smirked, "It's just that thats the first time I've heard you mention anything about Kyzarie or your childhood is all. I mean you know like everything about me, even that... well you know." Tobias narrowed his eyes, "Drake Vand. Yeah, lets not go there." Lori sighed, "Robbie thinks he's found a lead on my brother. He's tracking something he heard from a trader near the Mesric moon." Tobias nodded and went back to his work on the console. Lori's face started to become increasingly upset, "I suppose you don't care. You would have a few months ago you know. Weren't you all ready to help me find Corky and take down my dad? What happened to that?" Tobias stopped again and the small room fell silent save the grinding of the rabbit's teeth, "I don't have time for this right now, you need to deal with your past yourself. Just like everyone else, see ya later." Irritated the man got up and wormed his way past the now angry woman and out the metal doorway into the ship's main corridor. Lori balled a fist and slammed it against the metal bulkhead of the ship, "God DAMN him, one second its one thing then he's a complete ASS the next day. Why the hell is he so mental all the time anymore, he wasn't even this bad when we pulled him onboard."

Wine is fine but whiskeys Quicker:

Sometime later Tobias and the rugged looking old man called Myca seemed to be in deep conversation in the small kitchen area of the ship. Both men had rather large glasses of some variety of liquor in front of the them. Myca was the first to speak, "Silence might be good for the mind, but not in this case kiddo." Tobias sighed and took a drink, "Everynight now. I can't make it stop. Rico and my mom, Craig, Kevin, everyone. It's not even real anymore, its just a bad dream I want to forget but I can't." The old canine nodded, "Sometimes it ain't the smart thing to forget about whats happened. You don't wanna dwell onit but you do wanna keep it in mind in ya need it later. Ever thought about going to the source of the problem?" The rabbit looked into his drink, "Only one I don't know for sure is dead is Rick. But he's vanished, I can't find anything about him anywhere." Myca smirked, brushing his hand through his aged gray fur, "Vanished my left ass cheek. He's on Newirk." Toby blinked, "Mesric's moon? Why? How did you..." The old Coyote gave a gruff snicker, "Sometimes you need to stop looking to find someone. Helps when you're during missionary work and some kid claims to be an Underwood too."

The rabbit turned pale. Looked at his drink, then up ended the last half of it. "Whoa, slow down kiddo, you ain't that much of a drinker." The rabbit put the glass down and took a few breaths, "He has... kids? Are you sure? I mean, Kevin." Myca shrugged, "I ain't sure 'tall, looked nothing like him so it could just be another little brother he's picked up." Toby seemed to settle back down at the comment, "Yeah, he's always had those. I don't think there'd be a point though. I mean they're just dreams, no use going halfway cross the system to do what? Drop in and say, 'Hi, remember me? I'm the little brother you left for dead a couple dozen years ago?'" Myca smirked again, "If yer going to answer all the questions yerself I ain't got no reason to be here." The rabbit looked up for moment and allowed the realization to settle before it was jolted by a rather nasal voice from behind them, "Damn sunshine, you have the worst time with girls don't ya?" Tobias blinked turned to see Robert strutting in, "Um, how mad is she?" the younger man asked sheepishly. Rob gave him a rather knowing look, "When ladies want to talk about personal stuff, I'll give ya a hint, don't blow them off to go have a drink." The canoid looked between the two seated crew members and then narrowed his eyes, "You two in a dark corner talking can't lead to anything good, what catastrophe are you planning this time?"

Toby looked at Myca, then back at Rob. The questioning dog sunk a little, "You said yes didn't you. Why's Mister Spookey always gotta be right?" The rabbit looked confused and glanced back at the old coyote. Myca shrugged, "I told him what was going on kiddo, we're already on a course to Newirk, be there on the morrow. I bet him double the maintenance that you'd actually have the guts to confront Ricky." Rob looked funny, almost guilty for agreeing to it. Toby just shrugged, "It couldn't hurt, long as you guys think you can make it without me." Rob sighed, "I suppose we could, ain't like we want ya to go though. But if you gotta deal with it you gotta deal with it. I have some work for us closer to Earth so it'll be a few months before we can come back." Toby swirled the remnants of his drink and looked rather forlornly into it, as if somehow the answer was in the bottom of the glass. The silence was tense for several minutes before stomping was heard coming down the corridor followed by the sound of the metal kitchen door slamming open. "TOBIAS SCOTT UNDERWOOD! YOU LEAVE IN THE MIDDLE OF AN IMPORTANT CONVERSATION TO GO DRINK?! ARGH! You don't even DRINK!" Lori initial avalanche of frustration waned seeing the faces in the room, her gusto vanished as the mixture of uncertainty and regret in the room was made plain to her through the expressions of Tobias and Robert. "What, what's going on?" She managed to stammer in a tone that was but a shadow of her previous demands.

"I'm leaving." Tobias muttered, not able to look at either her or Robert. Robert nodded silently, "We'll take up a collection for ya, you're one of us and we'll all wanna help ya best we can. I know I remember that night we found ya, I'm not one to pry but I know you haven't had the best life, Sunshine. I'll see ya in the morning when we land." Toby nodded a simple thanks to the man as he left the room to make sure there was no problem with their course. Lori blinked in shock for a few moments, then blurted out, "Wait, I'm not really that mad. It's not that important that you listen to all the stuff I say. Why are you leaving over something that stupid?" Myca snerked then burst out laughing. The girl looked aghast at him snapping out, "Just what is so damn funny you deranged old man!" Myca waved his hand as if to signify a surrender until he regained himself, "You seem to be jumping to conclusions, but I should let you hear that from the source. And of course use that note to take my leave as well." He withdrew from the room, leaving just Tobias and Lori.

"I have to go see my brother. Maybe if I do I'll be able to sleep again. It's only for a few months." He added the last sentence quickly and apologetically. Lori seemed to mull the sudden burst of new information over in her brain for a few moments, of course coming to a logical conclusion and smiling suddenly, "Oh, well ok, so we're leaving tomorrow?" The young man stammered a little in the face of the girl for a bit before finally muttering out, "Wait, I, I think I need to do this myself." Lori's smile merged into a pout, "What are you talking about? Why? I should go, who knows what kinda trouble you'll get into my yourself. You aren't worried about me are you? I thought we'd been over this Tobias, I can handle myself. Did your brother hurt you or something, cuz if he did I'm definitely going so I can give him a BIG piece of my mind, and probably my sonic wrench handle too..." She stopped her barrage seeing Toby's face turn from embarrassed surprise to a serious glare. He took in a breath, "Rico would never hurt me." Lori raised an eyebrow, "Maybe not, but he certainly wasn't helping you when WE found you. Face it, you need protection so I'm going."

"No." Toby finally stated firmly. Before she could resist again he stood up, "My brother has a past far worse than ours, his fear and hatred of humans is something you couldn't even start to comprehend. I don't know what he'd do to you if you came. Our relationship is already going to be really fragile, I'm sorry, you'd only hurt it worse. I'm going alone, Lori." She open her mouth a little, then bite her lip and closed her eyes. She'd known there was a lot to this guy, more than she'd found out from him. But sometimes the things he said were even enough to frighten her, the idea of someone in his family killing her just for her race was almost insane, but he was serious about it. This Rico person was beginning to sound like a horrible person, and she was starting to wonder why Toby would even want to bother with him. Suddenly she realized he was still standing there, the expectation had been for him to walk off based on his demeanor. She blinked and looked at the young man, he looked like he was expecting a response, was he really waiting for her ok? After what he'd said? Lori nodded to herself and sighed, "Alright, but you're taking that gun of yours right? So you can protect yourself?" Toby nodded, "The sword as well."

Another uncomfortable silence echoed through the room. The two seemed to be trying to read each other's thoughts through facial expressions or other arcane method. Minutes passed before Lori finally let out a yawn and rubbed her eyes, "It's late, we should get to bed." The rabbit nodded and started back into the corridor, Lori followed wordlessly but concerned.

 
(@shadow-hog_1722585725)
Posts: 4607
Famed Member
 

Opinion: I haven't read the whole thing yet, but you should probably break up your paragraphs a bit more. For instance, when it comes to things like conversations, each separate character's dialogue should be in a new paragraph. Exempli Gratia:


"Boy!" Luigi declared. "That sure was some good pasta!"

"You said it!" added Peach.

"What did you think, Mario?" Luigi asked his brother.

Mario, ever being the silent protagonist, silently nodded his head in agreement.

"We should eat this again tomorrow," Peach decreed.


As opposed to:


"Boy!" Luigi declared. "That sure was some good pasta!" "You said it!" added Peach. "What did you think, Mario?" Luigi asked his brother. Mario, ever being the silent protagonist, silently nodded his head in agreement. "We should eat this again tomorrow," Peach decreed.


All things considered, the former one is easier to follow.

Just a friendly reminder.

 
(@toby-underwood)
Posts: 2398
Noble Member
Topic starter
 

Novel format. The setting info is missing at current though, just a few random strands. Finished there shouldn't be that many back and forth dialog sections without setting/description filler.

I'm kinda trying to find my splitting points early. If I finalized it like it is now it'd look like one of those dumb script 'fanfic's' where every sentence is a paragraph.

But yes, once it's all done and I've put in all the description I want, any of those dialog stints will be formatted correctly.

~Tobe

 
(@toby-underwood)
Posts: 2398
Noble Member
Topic starter
 

Hemayan Silwan:

The bunk area of the ship had never seemed so cold and empty as it did that morning. Tobias stared at the makeshift metal ceiling of room, his eyes moving over beams and eletrical wiring as his mind ground over his choices and their results. He so much wanted to believe the best, he wanted to believe that if he left this ship and went to this world where his brother was things would be as they were. But the sheer number of nagging doubts over it forced reality to set in. In his mind he knew things would never be the same, he knew something had happened to his brother, he'd left him and now he'd settled down? And he'd never attempted to find him? Not one word? Not even a goodbye? The halfbreed felt betrayed, angry, and could feel himself sinking into depression even further than when the nightmares started.

What was the answer? If he stayed things would only get worse, if he left he'd be giving up everything and Rick would probably just toss him aside again. What was that term the Kydane used to use for people others didn't care about. People that just wandered aimlessly without goals or ambitions. Kane, the man he'd known as Kenji for so long always refered to the original Kenji as it. After a few moments of silence both in the room and in his mind it came to him, "Hemayan Silwan." He uttered to himself shifted uncomfortably on the ratted cot-like bunk he was still laying on. The metal beams that fastened it to the wall creaked loudly with every movement, to him it was almost comforting as it was the noise he fell asleep to for the years now. But there was no comfort in that word, translated it meant simply a wandering ghost. Something he never wanted to become, not a person, just a body with few skills that people abused from time to time. He'd started to become adjusted to this life, now the only person that wanted him to stay seemed to be Lori, and she was more interested in pulling information out of him than anything. Even Rob seemed to be distant now, he'd even wasted fuel to fly him out here, it's like noone really cared what he did. Tobias narrowed his eyes and rolled unto his side, he felt like he was screwed no matter what he did.

Lori sat in the small kitchen-like area with the wiry canine called Rob, they both were seated across from each other in plain metal chairs at a well worn wooden table staring into their coffee mugs with the same forlorn expressions. "You think he's really gonna leave, Robbie?" The blond haired Lori said quietly. The dog sighed and stirred his drink, "Probably, kid's messed up right now, I dunno what to say or do for him other than let him go his own way." Lori seemed to pout, "Why would he leave us for whoever this brother of his is. That guy left him to die, he's obviously an @#%$." Robert pulled in a breath and let it out as yet another sigh, "We don't know the full story there, girl. Lotta things coulda happened, so like him left, maybe he just wants to be with his own kind." She snorted, "I AM his kind, unless you're blind and stupid. You know he's never even ASK me?" Robert laughed a little, "You forget you might be the first human he's known. He probably just assumes you age like he does." The girl seemed to become even more frustrated, "Thats not true, I TOLD him about Drake an..." She stopped suddenly and looked down, "He didn't even seem affected." Robert nodded, "Thats to be expected, he barely saw peace when he was little, I can only imagine your stories aren't that horrific to him." Silence took over the air, one loose screw allowed one of the rickety metal doors on a cabinent to creak open, prompting words to come forth from someone. "I don't want him to leave." Lori stated sternly glaring into her cup. Robert looked up from his and closed his eyes, "Neither do I, but he's only been getting worse these last few months, maybe this will help him. Besides it's only for a few months." The girl sighed, "What if he doesn't want to come when he come back for him?" The dog shrugged, "I'll make him pay me for the wasted time and he can be on his merry. No use forcing anyone to do anything. We should be closing on Newirk soon, mind going over the landing struts so we don't get stuck or anything?" Lori shoved her chair back loudly, stood up, and stormed off spitting out, "Well he should WANT to come back."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm guessing thats it for chapter one. No name for the chapters yet either, heh.

 
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