Hi this is basically my first sonic fanfiction and i want comment on these chapters warnig there is a disney song and some SONSAL romace issues take place after 151 stargazing
and a fancharacter
Princess Sally was lying on the grass thinking about what Nicole said a few moments ago
(Flash back)
" I Realized How lucky you are sally . Sometimes I want to live the way you do" Nicole said but the voice was coming from a mobian not a computer
(End flashback)
Sally was so deep in thought she didn't hear footsteps " Hello Princess " a red hedgehog said it was Rico an agent of Queen Aleena, Sonics mother. Rico had been sent from southern Mobius to keep an eye on sonic and fight with him of course only Sally Knew this back-story. "Huh? Oh. Hello Rico what are you doing here Its 3 in the morning " " I come here to make sure that the Ring Generator is working properly " " And I just come here for the fresh air " a voice said, it came from a hand-held computer it was Spike Rico's little virtual- being in his computer. "You dont even breathe, " Rico said "so?"
This gave Sally An Idea " Rico, can you do me a favor" " Sure Sal " then sally told him about that night.
        "So let me get it strait you want me to enhance Nicole's simulation to make her real? Sal, what you want me to do could take months on end without help and even if I did get help It would take a while " Rico said "well how much help do you need "sally asked " I need help from so many people but I think I can pull it off with just the help of Tails And Manic.
Rico was walking to castle acorn. He finally reached it " For you and me " two voices sang. Then Rico saw Sonic run out of there. "So Sonic and you had an exchange of ideas ", Rico said "I don't know " sally said. " I just wanted to have Nicole so we can see if our program is compatible with her simulation" " Okay". So with that Rico ran out of there. Sally decided to take a walk to the park and she sat on a bench " What's the matter Sally " a voice said sally looked to see it was Amy " Oh hi Amy I was just thinking about some things " sally said " Sonic Huh?" " I'm surprise you even care your within his species" " yeah I am younger than him" " not that young " " Hey if you werent here I'd be on him" "you know people are starting to think that you two would make a better couple than us"
" Other people think Mina is right for him " " Why do you even care about me I was your main obstacle in Getting Sonic " " because we are friends " " Why do we sound like a soap opera " " I don't know " " anyway I don't think I'm right for him anymore with me being the princess and him just being Sonic" " you know he is technically a prince" an other voice said " hi Sonia" Amy said " So Sally having issues with my brother" "yes I dont even know what to do " " Sally you should know that Sonic loves you and he will do any thing for you I mean how many times has he saved you from certain doom , people can think what they want about you, you as long as you live you are made for each other." "I don't know"
If there's a prize for rotten judgment
I guess I've already won that
No man is worth the aggravation
Thats ancient history, been there done that
Who'd'ya think your kiddin'
He's the earth and haven to ya
Try to keep it hidden
Honey, we can see right through you
Girl you can't conceal it
We know you're thinking of
No chance no way
I won't say ,oh,no
You swoon you sigh
Why deny it uh, oh
It's too clich
I wont say I'm in love
I thought my heart had learned it lesson
It fells so good when you start out
My heart is screaming get a grip girl
Unless you're dieing to cry your heart
You keep on denying
Who you are and how you're feeling
Baby were not buying
Hon, we saw ya hit the ceiling
Face it like a grown-up
You are gonna own up
That you got, got, got it bad
No chance, any way
I won't say it oh, no
Give up give in
Check the grin your in love
This scene won't play
I won't say I'm in love
Your doing flips read our lips
You're in love
You're way off base
I won't say it
Get of my case
I wont say it
Girl, don't be proud
It ok you're in love
At least out loud I wont say in love
" Thanks guys " sally said
well thats the first two chapters tell me what you think
OK, that sounds like it has potential but can say that I got really lost at the end. I wasn't too sure about who was saying what. Use full stops to break the sentences down, especially if someone new is talking. Also, try to avoid using the word 'said' all the time. Try other more descriptive words as well like 'bellowed, screamed, whispered' etc. When a chapter ends, make your audience more aware that a chapter has ended. Put chapter _ when starting a new one, that way, people won't feel overwhelmed and confused. One more thing, start a new line when someone different speaks eg
"Why do we sound like a soap opera,"
"I don't know"
It makes for easier reading. But enough criticism, I feel bad now. The story sounds intriguing and it will be interesting to read about what happens in future chapters.
Keep going!
