Sorry, but this was just...BAD

Firstly, putting the content aside, a little on basic writing technique. What you have here, is an outline of a single chapter really. Take each line you have here, and flesh them all out. These would be good for a bullet point summary, but tell nothing of a story.

A better version of the first line would be...

Cream was sat at home, relaxed upon the sofa enjoying her favourite television show, "Super Marxio Brothers", when suddenly, there was a flicker of light and a sharp bzzzt as her set shorted out.

Seee, it's not much, but a little description sets the scene far better. Try taking your outline, and doing that.

Next, content. Now, for a start, this content is bad, but workable, but if you are going to use this, you can't just leave it here, you need to explain WHY he is doing these things, maybe in a later chapter, but it needs explaining. Tails, who is about as evil as Tender Heart Bear, would not just go soooo OOC without a good reason. THink of a reason, and build up and reveal it.

Hope this helps.

This is jsut too easy...Alright, I'll be nice. This is not a fanfic. This is a plot outline, for one part, maybe, if stretched, a chapter. I write things like these when working on the plot of my own fanfiction, Deadly Secrets, but I don't pass that off as a story. I'll say what's wrong here, but EzMessage me if you're actually interested in improvement. And feel free to read my story for a model.

Anyway, WAY OOC. Now a lot of intetnional humor stories are written with the characters acting...not natural, but most of them are not very good. Also, this is an idea. Not a full story. Just an IDEA. If you type a story in under half an hour, it's too short.

And to say to give credit is kinda funny in ths case, seeing as how it isn't really a true fic.

Everything else, just read Crimson's post.

In all honesty, this is a terrible attempt at a fan fic. In fact, I'd say it scarcely qualifies as a fan fic at all: it's more like a fic fragment and will be described thusly henceforth. That or a plot outline, such as has been suggested, which are for the author to read, not the readers.

For a start, a story needs to have a plot. A plot is a pattern or series of interconnected events. The fragment you post comprises a single event, i.e. Cream goes to Tails' house and is forced to watch material she would consider offensive. Perhaps if you were feeling really pedantic you might say that's just about two events, but it still does not make a plot. Perhaps there is an overall plot and this is just the start of it, but you've made no indication that there is to be any more of this story. Even if this is the case, more than one thing tends to happen per chapter as well.

Secondly, what of motives? Everything happens for a reason and the nature of that reason depends on the significance of the event. Drawing an example from your fragment, Cream needs very little motive since what she does is a fairly ordinary, seemingly insignificant task: her TV doesn't work, so she goes to a friend's house to watch their TV. This is perfectly natural; no further motive is needed. Now consider Tails. Given the context, Tails' actions aren't evil per se - for comparison, Eggman exposing a very young girl such as Cream is to pornography may be considered malicious - but more childish prank. Even so, this is highly atypical of Tails and yet in your fragment he goes ahead and does it anyway, without even so much a hint of a reason why. Note I say hint, as you need not reveal everything of Tails' motives straight off - in fact, it would be better you didn't, since it builds curiosity and intrigue, or it would if you embellished things a little more. That brings me neatly to my next point:

Detail. Like Magenta said, for a story to be interesting, every scene, character, action, etc. needs to be fleshed out and described. Use of a script format is counter-intuitive to this aim; it would be far better to use narrative, such as you might find in a book, since narrative format favours long sections of description. Scripts tend to be more suited to extremely dialogue-heavy prose with just a hint of action and description. As such, unless they're exceedingly well written (and don't kid yourself, yours is not) they tend to be uninteresting without either accompanying narrative or visual cues such as would exist in a play or screenplay.

Increased detail also serves to make a story seem more real and believeable. Have you ever heard of the concept of willing suspension of disbelief? In a lot of stories, the events are too dramatic, epic or fantastic to readily occur in reality (that's not to say they don't, it's just they're not all that common in the average reader's life), so the reader must let himself believe events that they would not expect to happen. This is part of what makes stories interesting.

Let's take these ideas and look specifically at your fragment with a view to apply them. The way the narrative is set up, Cream apparently just gets up and goes directly and instantly to Tails' house. There's no indication of how she goes there or any passage of time. Bear in mind that Cream is a princess or something of that nature (I concede I may be wrong on this tiny, incidental point, it's just I'm fairly sure I heard that somewhere). Even though she's proved herself quite capable of handling herself, parents are notoriously stubborn and protective of their offspring, so she would likely have to get permission before going to Tails' house. This permission need not be difficult to obtain (although it might serve as a bit of a diversion if it is), but it just makes things seem more life-like.

Now consider Tails' trap. How did Tails know Cream would arrive then in order to lay his trap? Did he set it up well in advance and then just wait for Cream to happen to come on buy? Did she, being none the wiser, phone him beforehand and let him know? Has Tails suddenly gained the power of foresight? As it is, the trap just happens to be ready at the right time and the reader has no idea why. Also, think of the nature of the trap. He uses "glue you use to paste dinosaur bones together". Nevermind that that's a terrible description and just makes your writing seem childish, but why would Tails have or use this mysterious archeological glue, give he has never expressed an interest in paleantology. Why would he use an adhesive at all? Given his background, it is more likely that he would use some kind of automatic mechanical restraint, cage or something of that nature.

One final nit-pick, stories tend to be written the past tense. If your fragment was a properly-written narrative I would consider your use of the present tense to be a more serious fault, but as it's in script form it can be overlooked.

In summary, this is not a story and even as an a single event in a much wider plot, it's a bad idea: it's unrealistic, uncharacteristic and poorly-executed.

My advice is to spend far more time on your next attempt at story-writing before so much as considering posting just a part on it. I'm not attempting to insult or berate you, but it's clear that little to no thought or effort went into this and that is not the way to write a good story.

*twitch*

~Rico

I am greatly offended that you would be so bold as to BEGIN to title this as a fan fic. It's barely a paragraph, and not a well-written one at all.

You lose at literature.
Get off my planet.

...john shames us all.

Heed his words! HEED I SAY!

Here's chapter 2.

Robotnik enters the house and talks to Cream.

Eggman: Did you know I gave that fox an evil virus?

Cream: Evil Virus? I knew Tails was to naive to do that.

Eggman: Well my rabbit there is nothing you can do now.

Cream: Oh really?

Eggman: There is no one you can tell.

Cream: MOM, MOM, MOM!!!!!!

Eggman: Damn it! I forgot about her mother.

Vanilla: What! Just why are you watching that!

Cream: Eggman gave Tails an evil virus that made Tails glue the couch with super strong glue and duct-taped my eyes and re-edited the show with that.

Vanilla : YOU BIG DOGGONE FAT MAN!!!!!!

SMACK SMACK SMACK

The end.

if you really want your story to be taken seriously, i really would advice you to read all the posts in this topic that offer you help and advice on how to improve your writing.
because it seems that you haven't heeded a word anyone has said.

currently it just doesn't make sence. what motive does eggman have to just randomly walk into the house and explain everything that he's done? certainly it explains tail's wierd actions, but what's an 'evil virus' and how did he infect tails with it?

this could be quite a dark or interesting story if you expanded on it and didn't resort to script form.

Did you read the entire fan fic?

Yes, and it hurt me in places I didn't even know I had. Your fanfic is so wretched that it's un-MiSTable. It's like digital throw-up; digital projectile vomit spewed forth from your computer and splattered over the formerly-clean halls of Carnival Island. There's no plot, there isn't even enough characterization to determine whether or not anyone is out of character, the dialog makes me yearn for Dr. Thinker fanfiction and it's incoherent to the point where I'm pretty sure that I hallucinated reading it, which would be the best case scenario because that would mean that A) I somehow found some great drugs and B) someone didn't actually write this and submit it with pride. But then again, here I am, and there you are, and there it is, so it's all tragically real. To be frank: this was a crapfic.

In case you're wondering, I'm only being so very very blunt because the subtlety of the posters before me didn't seem to be fazing you. See the others above me for the constructive part of the constructive criticism, I'm just here to bring you back into reality.

Wow you guys really are flamers. That was SuperExplosiveTails's first time of making a fic. Nice going I appreciate your hatred.

KBP, check your definitions, PLEASE. To flame him we would have to be outright insulting him with no back up or advice, see Castor's post (which although harsh, may indeed have been nessicary), but we are trying to help him. Read our posts, before attacking us mindlessly. Thnakyou.

What, you want me to help with it? Tell you what, add paragraphs and description, and we will see if I do. Till then?

*twitch*

Oh and KBP? There are many wonderful things you can do with your ability to post. You can be silly, you can be angsty, you bash gays (long as you're sneaky about it), you can even post weird pictures of mods in dresses. Think on these exciting things you can do before using the ability to post again, because you may find it gone.

~Rico

I see nothing bad about the fan-fic.

Good God, man, are you blind? Your fic is a hate crime against literature. I won't go over why again since I already did it once and I don't feel like wasting that kind of time on this brand of futility.

Go read SP Davis' stuff then come back and tell me if you notice any differences.

This is a fic titled "____ Gone Bad" involving an 8 yearold tying up a 6 yearold and showing them porn on TV.

Wat Acrio said. If you seriously want some direction in writing, let me know via PM. If you just wanted an excuse to fire this off, do not PM me.

~Rico

Try learning how to make a complete sentence. And forget the script format if you want to be taken seriously, it just looks lazy. Add description. Use correct grammar...

(20 minutes later)

...cross your 't's and dot your 'i's, capitalization is important, and try to be coherent.

That should do it.

Your fanfic is so wretched that it's un-MiSTable.
Agreed, but why do you spell it like that? It's Mystery Science Theatre 3,000, so why does eevry fanficer critic dude spell it with an i? Or am i thining of the wrong thing?

Oh and KBP? There are many wonderful things you can do with your ability to post. You can be silly, you can be angsty, you bash gays (long as you're sneaky about it), you can even post weird pictures of mods in dresses. Think on these exciting things you can do before using the ability to post again, because you may find it gone.
LMFAO