What do you get when you cross a wizard with popcorn?
Harry Popper.
What do you get when you cross a dark wizard with fungus?
Lord Moldemort.
What do you call a physical therapist who lives in Egypt?
A Cairopractor.
And with that, I invite anyone else with good (or bad!) puns, riddles or other jokes to post them here.
What do you get if you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A Walkie Talkie!
So, a Jew, a Muslim, a Christian and a Sikh walk into a bar.
What a fine example of a well integrated community.
a baby seal walks into a club
Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are all unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative. </bailey>
Two Jews walk into a bar.
MICHAEL JACKSON.
How do blondes' brain cells die?
Alone.
What's the difference between a blonde and the Titanic?
We know how many went down on the Titanic.
What do you call a judge driving through a working-class suburb?
Lost.
What's hot, yellow and dangerous?
Shark-infested mustard.
Confucius say, "He who stand on toilet is high on pot."
One day a farmer called up an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician and asked them to fence off the largest possible area with the least amount of fence.
The engineer made the fence in a circle and proclaimed that he had the most efficient design.
The physicist made a long, straight line and proclaimed "We can assume the length is infinite..." and pointed out that fencing off half of the Earth was certainly a more efficient way to do it.
The Mathematician just laughed at them. He built a tiny fence around himself and said "I declare myself to be on the outside."
One day, three engineering students were eating lunch together and got into a debate about what kind of engineer god is.
The first student, a mechanical engineer, proposes that god must be a mechanical engineer because most of the body consists of complicated mechanical systems such as the circulatory system, the cardiovascular system, the skeleton & muscles, etc.
The second student, an electrical engineer, disagree. He suggests that god must be an electrical engineer, due to the fact the brain and nervous system together make a highly sophisticated electrical system.
Finally, the third student shakes his head and says: "God must be a civil engineer: who else would run a sewage pipe through a recreational area?"
!!!BONUS SCIENCE PICKUP LINES!!!
Baby, if you were a function, I'd be your derivative so I could lie tangent to your curves.
Similarly: baby, if you were a function, I'd be your integral so I could be the area under your curves.
Baby, if I were an enzyme, I'd be DNA helicase so I could unzip your genes.
An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are all staying in separate hotel rooms when the curtains of each of their rooms catches fire.
The engineer immediately springs into action, grabbing the glass by the bathroom sink, filling it up and throwing it over the fire, extinguishing it quickly.
The physicist also quickly springs into action, picking up his notepad, pen and calculator. After quickly modelling the spread of the fire, he heads over to the sink, carefully measures out the required amount of water, and then throws it over the fire, extinguishing it perfectly without even getting the curtains damp.
The mathematician simply looks up at the fire, then glances across at the sink and glass in the bathroom, and then lies back content that there is a solution...
There was a plane flying across the sky. Among the passengers were Rudy Giuliani, Hillary Clinton, and President George Bush.
Unfortunately, the plane malfunctioned and was about to crash. After all the passengers escaped the plane, there were only three parachutes left.
I'm Rudy Giuliani! I lead New Yorkers from a slump into one of the better cities of the world. I lead them from 9/11 and I'm America's Mayor. He grabs a parachute and jumps off.
I'm Hillary Clinton! I'm the former first lady who'll run for the presidency as the first woman president. Although I trust my husband, I still need to check upon him. She grabs a parachute and jumps off.
I'm President George Bush! I'm the most important man in the world. If I don't survive, who'll lead the War on Terrorism? Who'll keep the fight in Iraq? He grabs the last parachute and jumps off.
The pilot looks worried, given he'll perish with his son. Then, his son tells him.
"Dad, don't worry! The last man took my backpack by mistake!"
I've heard that same joke with Hillary doing that. And her saying "I'm the most important woman in America!" and the kid mocking her.
then again I've heard about 4239485038 forms o htat joke.
Drinking With Redneck Girls
A Mexican, an Iraqi, and a redneck girl are in the same bar drinking and
bragging about their shooting accuracy.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls
out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In
Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one
twice".
The Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass
into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says,
"In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink
with the same one twice either."
The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one
draft, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the
Mexican and the Iraqi. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and
calling for a refill, she says, "In America we have so many illegal
Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."
A blonde, a brunet, and a red-head were all about to get executed; the brunnet was first up and wispered to them "Follow my lead."
The executioners asked her if she had any last request, she said, no. Alright then, ready, aim, ...
The brunet quickly called out "TORNADO!!"
While everyone was in shock, the brunet took off and escaped.
The red-head was next up. On, I see what see did. She though to herself.
They aked her if she had any last request, she said, no.
Ready, aim, ...
"EARTHQUAKE!!"
As the executioners were scared once again, the red-head also took off.
The blonde was last up. Oh, this is going to be easy.
They asked her if she had any last request. She said, no.
Ready, aim, ...
The blonde called out "FIRE!"
A blond woman, a brunette woman, and a red-headed woman all went on a hunting trip together. They were sitting around a campfire when the brunette left.
She came back later with a rabbit she had shot. "How'd you get that?" they asked. She said "I followed the tracks and shot the rabbit." The redhead, now inspired to hunt as well, left.
She came back later with a turkey she had shot. "How'd you get that?" they asked. She said "I followed the tracks and shot the turkey." The blond woman decided it was her turn to get something, and left.
She came back later with a broken leg, two broken arms, probably some broken ribs, cuts and gashes all over. She was really mangled. "Oh my God!" the other two said, rushing over in a panic. "What happened?!"
The blond said, "I followed the tracks and got hit by the train."
Quote:
Finally, the third student shakes his head and says: "God must be a civil engineer: who else would run a sewage pipe through a recreational area?"
i like this one
Blond jokes. All of them have been said billions of times.
Stil lfunny.
I too enjoyed the engineer joke... Probably helps that I'm studying to be an Electrical =)
And now for one I heard on the local morning show...
Did you guys hear about the Jewish terrorist? He wanted to hijack a plane, but he didn't want to use his miles.
I take this one from a classic Benny Hill sketch from my childhood.
An old man is sitting at a bus stop bench, crying his eyes out, looking up to the heavens saying "Why? Why?" A police officer walking the beats sees the old man and asks, "Well, now, what seems to be the problem?"
The old man tells his story: "Everything. I tell you, six weeks ago, I married a 20-year old beauty queen. Gorgeous, she worships me! She's loving... passionate... patient. Multimillionairess in her own right, she is. We've got the Rolls Royce, we've got the swimming pool, we've got the sauna. We drink champagne for breakfast every day. We sleep together in beautiful silken sheets. It's a life most people only dream about."
The cop now is confused. "Well what are you crying for, then?"
"I've forgotten where I live."
Trans, could you please edit your joke out and include a different one? It was a bit more racist than I wanted for this thread.
I also ask everyone else to consider the jokes they post before they post. This is meant for good, clean jokes.
Here's another version of Trans's joke that I thought would be more appropriate for this thread:
Drinking With Redhead Girls
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are in the same bar drinking and bragging about their shooting accuracy.
When the blonde finishes her beer, she throws her glass in the air, pulls out her pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. She says, "In California our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice".
The brunette, obviously impressed by this, drinks her beer, throws her glass into the air, pulls out her AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. She says, "In Arizona we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink
with the same one twice either."
The redhead girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one draft, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the blonde and the brunette. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, "In America we have so many blondes and brunettes that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."
Good clean jokes like people shooting each other and claiming we have too many.
^ good joke
An electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, a mechanical engineer and an informatic engineer are travelling by car, when their car suddenly stops working properly.
The mechanical engineer suggests something is wrong with the car's gears and tries to fix it to no avail.
The chemical engineer thinks the problem might be the gasoline, which was impure due to bad destillation. Changing it did not fix their problem, though.
The electrical engineer said something must have been wrong with the car's circuits, but after a short inspection nothing ended up being wrong there, either.
The informatic engineer then said: "The solution is simply to shut the car down and leave, then reenter and turn it back on!"
Now on to..
Elephant jokes!
~Best told in great quantities!
What does it mean if an elephant climbs on a tree?
One elephant less standing on the ground.
What does it mean if another elephant climbs on the tree?
One elephant more on the tree.
What does it mean if a third elephant climbs on the tree?
One tree less standing on the ground.
How many giraffes can you fit in a yellow FIAT Uno?
5. Two in front and 3 in the back seat.
How can you fit 5 elephants into a yellow FIAT Uno?
First remove the giraffes, then place 2 in front and 3 in the back seat.
How do you know there are elephants in the cinema?
There's a yellow FIAT Uno parked in front of it.
How do you know there are elephants in the swimming pool?
There are round slippers on the edge of the pool.
How does an elephant get into the swimming pool?
He climbs down the stairs.
How does an elephant get out of the swimming pool?
Wet.
Why was the elephant wearing white boxers with blue dots when he went to the pool?
Because the one with the red dots was in the laundry.
How do you know an elephant was in the fridge?
There are round footprints in the butter.
How do you make an elephant pass underneath a door?
Put it in an envelope and pass it underneath.
What if it doesn't go through?
Remove the post stamp and try again.
Do you know what the elephant said when he saw that lame giraffe walking down the stairs?
"Eew, look at that lame giraffe walking down the stairs!"
Do you know what the elephant said when he saw that lame giraffe walking down the stairs wearing sunglasses?
Nothing. He didn't recognize her.
How do you kill a purple elephant?
With a carbine for killing purple elephants.
How do you kill a white elephant?
You make a knot in its trump and wait for it to turn purple and then shoot it with the carbine for killing purple elephants.
How do you kill a yellow elephant?
You scare it so it turns white, then make a knot in its trump so it turns purple, then shoot it with the carbine for killing purple elephants.
Why do elephants not ride bikes?
Because they don't have thumbs for ringing the bell.
How do elephants hide in strawberry plantations?
They paint their nails red.
Have you ever seen an elephant in a strawberry plantation?
They hide well, don't they?
How did Tarzan die?
He was picking up strawberries...
Why are elephants risking extinction?
They're all being used in these jokes!
>>
<<
Please don't kill me! xD *runs off*
How do you kill a purple elephant?
With a carbine for killing purple elephants.
I'd prefer a large calbier rifle, not a smaller carbine. o.o
One day, a young man went to join the Army. He was immediately enlisted and sent to the front lines. Once there, has was placed last in line to receive his equipment. By the time he got to the front of the line, there was nothing left.
"How will I fight this war with no gun?" He cried.
"Easy. When you see an enemy solider, raise your hand, point and them and yell BANG!" The man replied. The young man felt dejected, but carried on the front line anyway.
Once there, the war commenced, and the young man felt helpless as all his comrades died around him. Soon, the enemy forces were almost at his position. Thinking he had nothing to lose, he raised his hand, pointed at the nearest enemy, and yelled "BANG!"
Much to his suprise, the soldier dropped dead where he stood. Amazed by this power, the young man continued to fire at every enemy he saw.
"BANG!" One down.
"BANG!" Another one.
Soon, the young man had killed off nearly an entire platoon of enemies. Feeling himself to be invincible, he jumped to his feet to see the last of the enemy forces approaching him.
"BANG!" He yelled, pointing his finger. The enemy did not drop.
"BANG!" He yelled again. The enemy was getting closer, and still not dying. Suddenly, the young man felt like he was being crushed by a great weight.
The last thing he heards was the enemy going "Tank tank tank tank."
Quote:
How do you kill a purple elephant?
With a carbine for killing purple elephants.I'd prefer a large calbier rifle, not a smaller carbine. o.o
Sorry SX, we're not all firearm experts like you. 
A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realising his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moved on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage - because lions eat anything.
Read on if you have to, but you may regret it!
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"
The lion says "Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees."
"What does it mean if an elephant climbs on a tree?
One elephant less standing on the ground.
What does it mean if another elephant climbs on the tree?
One elephant more on the tree.
What does it mean if a third elephant climbs on the tree?
One tree less standing on the ground."
Erika, this reminds me of the Spanish elephant counting song and you greatly deminished it. =(
j/k
Anyway, here's my joke.
A lady walks into the new Supermarket near her house and decides to see what it's like. In the produce section, an automatic water mister keeps the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, she heard the sound of a distant thunder storm and the smell of fresh rain.
When she approached the dairy aisle, she heard cows mooing and witnesses the scent of fresh hay. Same thing when she approched the egg case, she heard hens cluck and cackle; and the air was filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon frying near the meats. The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
Needless to say, she doesn't buy toilet paper there any more.
