What's the first thing you think of when you think of the bible?
If you don't get it. You aren' a big enough nerd.
If you get it and find it offensive. you are far too religious of a nerd and I apologize.
anyways, this excript of incredible cosmic powers has just been unearthed...
The conversation between god and Satan during the whole David and goliath fiasco...
Satan: Okay, so we roll initiative right?
God: yeah.
Satan: Okay, I got an 18. You got a 15 so I go first right?
God: well David' initiative bonus is 3 from dex, and 4 from improved initiative. What's goliath's dex?
Satan: He's goliath. What' he need dex for? Its like 2. Or something. Let me check the sheet.
God: Doesn't matter, I won. David gets to go first.
Satan: yeah... okay fine.
God: So sense goliath is flat footed David is going to do a sneak attack with his sling shot...
Satan: huh? What's flat footed?
God: Well, before goliath gets his first turn his Armor Class bonus from dex isn't added and he's considered uh... unready for combat. He can be surprised.
Satan: so... if I have a negative bonus from my... dexterity modifier... that doesn't count? So my AC is higher?
god: no no, see it only matters if it's positive. Negative things stay.
Satan: ... I see.
God: what?
Satan: So it only benefits you and only hurts me?
God: yeah. That's the point.
Satan: ... I see.
God: Come on, the rules can work for you just as easily as me... anyways it's a sneak attack with the sling shot, I think it's a 1d4 bashing damage distance weapon X3 on criticals.
Satan: Yeah, but goliath is out of range.
God: well I can take a -2 to hit you out there, if I didn't have improved distance, your well within my range actually.
Satan: um... okay... you sure it's X3?
God: Positive. Want to check the book?
Satan: I'm not looking through that damn book, I hate those charts.
God: fine, then it's X3.
Satan:... whatever. Just roll.
God: Okay, so Im taking a -4 to my attack from power blow, sling shot is strength based so I can do that, the -4 ads +4 to damage.. aaaand look at that. NATURAL 20 baby. aaand... oh, a critical. Totally a critical.
Satan:... what?
God: Yeah, and David is a level 6 rouge, so he had a 3d6 + to damage on a critical, and a +2 from str... +4 from the power blow... here let me roll the damage...
Satan: ... ... but...
God: okay, 4, 5, 6, 5, so that comes to.... 20... +2, +4.... 26... X3 comes to... 98 damage.
Satan: WHAT THE HELL! YOU JUST TOOK OUT ALMOST ALL HIS HP IN ONE TURN.
God: yeah, yeah I did. The dice favor me.
Satan: THE DICE ALWAYS FREAKEN FAVOR YOU.
God: And he took more then 50 damage in one turn, he has to make a fort save or die from massive shock to his system.
Satan: WHAT THE HELL. I HAVE TO ROLL OR DIE?! HE'S FREAKEN GOLIATH!
God: Just roll the dice.
Satan: ... I don't believe it.
God: I do believe that is a one.
Satan: I don't believe it.
God: I believe that goliath just died. Big time.
Satan: that's not okay.
God: ahem, if you will excuse me, I shall now do... the victory dance.
Satan: I hate your damn victory dance.
god: oh... oh. Oh oh oh!
Satan: I hate this damn game. You're a freaken munchkin. Some day i'm going to turn everyone against this damn game.
god: Oh! oh! victory! soar losers don't affect me! Oh oh! winner is I, look out now I just made you cry! oh oh oh!
Satan: And I hate your damn songs. I freaken quit, play with yourself.
god: hey! Lu! come back man! I'm sorry! I won't do the dance anymore!
Satan: What-ever, later.
And that, is how it happened.
Oh dear... suddenly everything you said this morning is slotting into place and filling me with a great sense of dread.
*Gets out a chalk and starts scrawling "I SHALL NOT ENCOURAGE VORTEX!" 100 times, with exclaimation marks*
Wait.. Wouldn't the Goiath's obviously high armor rating still reign supreme, no matter his dex penalties, and be high enough as to cancel out David's shot with his -2 range penalty?
or did I miss something?
but i'm afraid a natural 20 is considered a automatic hit in most cercimstances. And davids hit modifier was probably rather high, despite the armor class a high roll still would have most likey hit.
Oh, God rolled a 20? Must have missed that.
My consolodates, good sir.
that may have quite possibly been the most amazing thing these old eyes have ever beheld. i like how its done almost as if it were a radioplay with just dialogue. i can only imagine the kind of boogie god has made up as his own victory dance.
stupendi!
Great work! We want more!
Too bad Critical Miss (www.criticalmiss.com) isn't still publishing or you could submit it to them... I got a humor article in there once: www.criticalmiss.com/issue9/burps1.html
