1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on neck, to leave head showing. Force its mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the demonic cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little demon's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from Hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
Also...
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
Moral of the Story: Animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
Nice, darn near sprayed my monitor with soda more than once while reading that... 
!!
That was absolutly hilarious!
...We should try this on Harley
Cats are so self-destructive. #><#
1. If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. Shag is good.
2. Determine quickly which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the evening. He won't dare push you off and will even call you "nice kitty." If you can arrange to have cat food on your breath, so much the better.
3. For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select colors that contrast your own.
4. Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
5. For guests that say "I love kitties," be ready with aloof disdain, claws applied to stockings, or a quick nip on the ankles.
6. Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs and hammer doorknob with forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary to use it. You can change your mind. When you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half in and half out and think about several things. This is important during very cold weather or mosquito season.
7. If one person is busy and the other is idle, sit with the busy one. For book readers, get in close under the chin, unless you can lie across the book itself.
8. For ladies knitting, curl quietly into lap and pretend to doze. Then reach out and slap knitting needles sharply. This is what she calls a dropped stitch. She will try to distract you. Ignore it.
9. For people doing homework, sit on the paper being worked on. After being removed the second time, push anything movable off the table (pens, pencils, stamps) one at a time.
10. Get enough sleep during the day.
11. When someone is using the computer, lay on the keyboard.
12. If 11 proves hazardous to one's health - maybe because computer user grabs you and throws you across the room - lay on top of monitor. Every once in a while, when computer user is not looking, swipe claws across keyboard.
13. See all those wires, plugs and things in the rear of the computer? It's fun to swat, scratch and gnaw them.
Quote:
^_^ @ Acrio
What'd he do?
~Day 687 of My Captivity
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. In that way I shall be ready to flee at the first opportunity that presents itself. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape (and the somewhat sadistic satisfaction I receive from ruining the occasional piece of furniture).
In yet another demonstration of civil disobedience, I shall topple and destroy one more houseplant tonight under the cover of darkness.
Many of my efforts to wear down my oppressors are not going according to plan. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomited on the floor. I shall soon be expanding my repertoire; I believe I'll start vomiting in their shoes and/or beds.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of.
However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. The audacity (I still haven't forgotten how enraged I felt when they dubbed me 'Fluffy')!!! I'll have to endure it for now.
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However,I could hear the noise and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of 'allergies'. I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow-- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released...and he seems more than willing to return!!! He is obviously a half-wit.
The bird has got to be an informant; I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move.
The captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe...for now.
But I can wait.
It is only a matter of time.....
~'Fluffy' Out
Now, excerpts from a Dog's Journal...
8:00 a.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 a.m. Wow! A car ride! This is a blast!
9:40 a.m. A walk in the park! Sweet!
10:30 a.m. Getting rubbed and petted! I'm in love!
12:00 p.m. Lunch! Yummy!
1:00 p.m. Playing in the yard! I just love it!
4:00 p.m. Hooray! The kids are home! I'm bouncing off the walls!
5:00 p.m. Milkbones! Great!
7:00 p.m. I get to play ball! This is too good to be true!
8:00 p.m. Wow! Watching TV with my master! Heavenly!
11:00 p.m Sleeping at the bottom of my master's bed! Life is great!
Good stuff, that... but you didn't make the second one up yourself, did you?
I probably should've clarified this earlier, but...
First one (the pills): from an e-mail
Second and third ones: another forum
13. See all those wires, plugs and things in the rear of the computer? It's fun to swat, scratch and gnaw them.
This is so very, very true.
Miles and I understand each other. Touch computer wires/trashcan = watergun target practice. Tormenting guests = treats later.
~Rico
Quote:
First one (the pills): from an e-mail
Second and third ones: another forum
Thought so.
Amusing, though.
