i am very dude-like in appearance 

i am very dude-like in appearance

You are a man. Of course you are, what a silly question to have to ask. You look at yourself in the mirror, studying your rippling physique and amazing tone of body. Your abs look like they are made of steel and your body hair is perfectly manly. Your chiselled chin and boyishly good looks complement your muscled body completely and your hair is like a gift from the gods themselves. You are so dudely that women swoon at a mere glance towards your person.

You are quite sure that it would be a great dissapointment to the world for your amazing self to continue to be locked in this cell.

You look around. Outside the cell you can see three other prisoners each occupying their own cell, although they are certainly more clothed than you. At the far end, by what looks like the exit is a guard at a desk, busily writing something down.

>>> What do you now do?

seduce the guard

seduce the guard

Your plan on seducing the guard is met with a peculiar response. You holler at the guard and he arrives. He stares at your attempts at seduction and whilst is deeply perplexed with confusing thoughts and is more than a little curious, he is a trained professional and resistant to anything of the sort. He has seen it all before but even then this is the first time he has had this done to him by a man.

"That's not going to work on me, buddy. Might on the ladies, but not me. Now shut yer trap, I've got work to do."

The guard moves back to his desk. Your valiant effort failed. Oh well, his loss.

But you find you're still stuck inside the cell.

>>> What do you do now?

use laser beam eyes to break the bars

use laser beam eyes to break the bars

You have a flash of inspiration. You're sure that if you use laser beams fired from your eyes you can break the bars and escape from the cell. You look at the cell bars and stare intently. After a minute of intense staring and almost fainting out from lack of breathing you decide to give up. Your laser eye beams are not working. Whether this is because you never had laser eye beams in the first place or if you are just tired is a mystery for a later date.
"What are you doing?" asked one of the three prisoners. He was a rather dapper looking fellow wearing a tophat and a monocle. He was also smoking a cigar. That should be banned in public places. "It looked like you were trying to go for what one might say was a 'number 2'. Are you really that uncouth?"

You look at the other two prisoners. One is a rather buxom woman in a rather revealing dress who strangely has not already fainted at your magnificent prescence. She must be a lesbian. The other is a rather large and muscled half man, half wolf. You're not sure if you even like dogs.

"I say, who are you, anyway?" the gentleman inquires.

>>> That's a good question. What IS your name, anyway?

>>>> Antonio Vialpando

>>>> Antonio Vialpando

"My name is Antonio Vialpando." You answer. You're not too certain it really is due to your amnesia but it's the first thing that came to your mind and its a pretty awesome sounding name anyway. It'll have to do.

"What are your names?" You ask, pointing at the three people in the opposite cells; the well dressed gentlemen, the barely dressed lady, and the wierd wolf thing in that other cell.

>>> An excellent question posed by your very self. What are those three individuals' names?
> Gentleman =
> Lady =
> Wolfman =

Señor Viste Bueno Condárte

Lady Victorious Nonclothwell

Scratchio Wolfenstien

(OOC: Ahahah...a choose-your-own-adventure styled thing. (Why I'm in OOC-parens I dunno.) I'll have to watch this. it should be amusing)

Señor Viste Bueno Condárte

Lady Victorious Nonclothwell

Scratchio Wolfenstien

"I am Señor Viste Bueno Condárte." The gentleman replies, bowing after speaking, twirling his miraculous moustache as his monocle sheems with magnificence. "It is my pleasure to make your acquaintance, good sir, even if you are a tad bit underdressed."

The voluptuous woman is not one quick to answer, even after you stare at her awaiting a reply for a long enough time. "I am Lady Victorious Nonclothwell. I suppose you can either call me Lady or Vicky but truth be told I'd rather you not speak to me at all." She looks at you with an air of disgust. "And by the way, my eyes are up here, not down on my chest."

You then turn to the half man, half wolf guy, who is sitting on his bunk, scratching himself. "I am ze great Scratchio Wolfenstien. In my land they sing great many ballads about my strength and wit." You watch as he hocks the flem in his mouth and spits it out on his hand, offering it in your direction. "I would shake your hand, my friend, if but I could reach it."

You would ask what brings a varied bunch of characters to a set of wonderfully dirty cells such as this, but Viste Bueno speaks and draws your attention.

"My good man, my good lady, and my good beast, I present to you all an offer. How about we all join up and form a rousing team and escape from this place? What say you?"

>>> It's a tempting offer. What do you say?

(OOC: Glad you seem to be enjoying it Vi, and thanks for all the replies so far, good friends! I wonder where you will take our great hero Antonio to next?)

Make monkey noises, jump and climb like a monkey, and convulse on the ground, which means yes in your native language

Make monkey noises, jump and climb like a monkey, and convulse on the ground, which means yes in your native language

You begin to ook ook ook, jump and climb over your bunkbed like a monkey before collapsing on the ground and violently convulsing. A part of you seems to think that it might mean yes in an old, old language, but you're not certain. That amnesia really is a pain in your behind. That or maybe you suffered some pretty severe mental damage. Could be both, could be niether. Not too sure on that one, but hey, whatever.

The three other prisoners aren't too sure just what on earth you're doing. You may be spazzing out and you may be a nutcase, but all the same it might just work.

The guard gets up from his desk and runs to your cell. He looks at your writhing, convulsing body on the floor. Man, for a pretty dude-ish guy you look like an incredible embarrassment. The guard opens the cell using his keys and cautiously enters your cell to check your body and make sure you're alright. He kneels down and reachs out to you.

"Hey buddy, are you ok...?" He asks. This could be your moment.

>>> What do you do next?

Headbutt the guard while screaming "WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT MY MOTHER?!"

(Best. Thread. Ever. Pach, quit your dayjob and cancel your social life. This is your reality now.)

>>> Fake sickness/insanity and give the others a sly wink as you're being carried away

(I hugely want to start my own text adventure in result of this. You mind?)

Seduce the guard again.

(I hugely want to start my own text adventure in result of this. You mind?)

>>> DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT
DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT
DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT
DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT
DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT

Headbutt the guard while screaming "WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT MY MOTHER?!"

You headbutt the guard violently, knocking the guard to the floor. You scream aloud. "WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT MY MOTHER?!" with an almost intense and somewhat frightening force of tone. You should probably get yourself checked out. However you notice the guard has nothing to reply with as he lies on the floor unconscious. Whatever he said about your mother will have to remain a mystery. Your mighty, manly headbutt has rendered him unconscious. You knew he couldn't resist your manly physique in the end.

You stand up quite smugly and nod to yourself. Job done.

Your cell door is now open, and the guard's keys lay sprawled out next to him. You choose to take the keys and add them to your inventory, although considering you have no pockets you wonder where exactly you stash the keys. It's probably better not to know. You could open the other three prisoner's cells if you so want to, now. I'm sure they'd be grateful and having someone owe you a favour is never a bad thing. Even if they are now pretty terrified snd awe-struck of you.

>>> What say you? Do you wish to open the other three prisoners' cells?
> If so, who? One of them, two of them, all of them?
> Or do you bid them all a fond farewell and choose to ignore them?

(OOC: It's great to have so many more of you wonderful adventurers choose to help Antonio. I'm sure great Antonio will need all the help he can get.

Thank you very much for your wonderful compliment, Craig. I have taken your suggestion onboard and have decided it would be a good idea. I phoned up my work and gave my managers a good thrashing before telling them I quit. Or I was fired. Not too sure but the end result is the same, and like our good friend Antonio I am now free from the cages of my life. I have decided to renovate my home into a comfortable office space in which I can be available 24/7 (yes, even christmas!) in which to dedicate my life to the continued story of our world's greatest hero. It is the only sensible answer.

Also Leraku I do not mind if you so decide to create your own adventure. I'm sure it would be a wonderfully epic experience albeit not quite as epic as good Antonio's. Please bear in mind however that royalties shall have to be paid. Afteral I am now jobless and therefore without a source of monetary income given my new dedication. Whilst I have no qualms about this new life direction of mine it goes without saying that without any money I have nothing with which to pay silly bills and eat food. Whilst Antonio could probably make it by in life by headbutting people and shooting laser eye beams from his eyes whilst in his underwear I do not share the same greatness of his being and therefore it is not an acceptable substitution for me.

Also I would like to make a new announcement. For open questions that end in 'what will you do next?' type affairs I shall not choose just the first answer but the answer I deem the most interesting and best. It shall make it possibly more interesting and unpredictable for good Antonio. Closed questions like the one that ends this post shall follow on from the first reply.

Until next time, friends!)

>>> Open Lady Victorious Nonclothwell's cell and attempt to bond over your shared lack of clothing, ignoring the others.

>>> Open Lady Victorious Nonclothwell's cell and attempt to bond over your shared lack of clothing, ignoring the others.

You decide to open Lady Victorious Nonclothwell's cell. A wise choice. You hold the cell door open for her and gesture with your hand for her to walk on free. She walks through her open cell door, her twin assets jiggling to the beat of her steps, her hips swaying curvaciously from side to side in perfect rhythm.
"I guess I should thank you," she says.

"That's not a problem." You reply, ignoring the other two prisoners. "People with a distinct lack of clothing such as ourselves should look after one another, no?" Smooth.

"An act such as this should not go unpaid," Lady Victorious replies, her lips close to your face. "Now, I wonder how I should repay you..."

A number of thoughts go running through your head. A woman such as this probably has a great many number of talents. She may not be swooned by your manly prescence yet, but you're sure it will only be a matter of time.

"...I shall join you and assist you for the time being until I feel my debt is repaid." Lady Victorious responds. She beat you to the punch. Unlucky, hero.

"Hey, what about us, my good man?" Viste Bueno calls for your attention. "Don't tell me a fine gentleman such as yourself would leave both I and my good fellow furry prisoner Scratchy over there to rot in these cells? I'm sure we could prove useful to you!"

>>> This could be your last chance to free the two remaining prisoners. Do you free Viste Bueno or Scratchio, or stick to allying only with Lady Victorious?

>>> Recognize Viste Bueno as your long lost Grandpa and free him and his good friend Scratchio.

>>> Recognize Viste Bueno as your long lost Grandpa and free him and his good friend Scratchio.

You look towards Viste Bueno, considering his words. As you do so you are sure you see a strange flash of an image from a time before, but you're not sure when. You feel as if you may actually know the gentlemen but you cannot say with any certainty why that would be so. That pesky little amnesia is always ruining the party. You would it would go away and stop cramping your style. I mean seriously, is it that much to ask?

You decide to free both Viste Bueno and the beastman Scratchio. As you open their cells, Viste thanks you in his typical gentlemanly way that is sure enough starting to get a tad bit old and predictable. He tips his hat towards you. You would tip your imaginary hat back towards him but before that Scratchio grabs your hand and gives you an energetic shake. "You will not regret this, my good friend. Scratchio is very loyal friend and will do anything to help Great Antonio!" That would probably be all well and good but now you hand is both sticky and smelly from the wolf-man's flemmy spit. You have nothing to wipe it away with. Man that's disgusting.

But now you have companions!

VISTE BUENO, LADY VICTORIOUS AND SCRATCHIO JOIN THE PARTY!!!

You can feel yourself becoming stronger and more irresistably manly. You are also sure you can hear some musical fanfare and cheering in the far distance. Freeing all three of the other prisoners was not such a bad idea after all, was it?

You walk towards the exit of the cells. On the way there you stop at the guard's desk, noticing a notebook on the desk, and on the floor to the side is a unopened chest.

>>> What do you decide to do?

>>> Open the chest

>Open the chest and see if there's anything of import in the notebook.

Open the notebook

Read the chest

>Open the chest and see if there's anything of import in the notebook.

You decide to see if there is anything of importance within the notebook. You open the book up and see what the guard had been writing. It looks like he had been writing some form of poetry. Wow, that's pretty sad and not really manly in the least, is it? You skim the text and notice some haikus, dedicated to his wife and child. You turn around and take one last look at the guard on the floor. Now that you think about it, your headbutt was so incredibly manly that it might not just have sent him unconscious, but maybe even killed him. Oh well, it's not your problem anymore.

You turn to the chest and open it. Inside there are two things. One is a potion. You're sure this could come in handy later, and besides potions are your favourite beverage. You add it to your inventory with the guard's keys. There is one other item inside the chest.

>>> What is it?

>>>A large dancing carrot named Barkley

>>> Rare Candy

>>>>A book of Nintendo Cheat codes

>>>>Your Grandfather, holding a dancing carrot, a rare candy, and a book of Nintendo Cheat Codes

>>>>A book of Nintendo Cheat codes

You find within the treasure chest a strange book that has the title of 'Nintendo Cheat codes'. You're not quite sure in what way this book could be useful, but you can feel some sort of strange power emanating from the book. You're sure that whoever holds onto the book will have the power to accomplish a great many things. You're sure that person is you. Rock on, dude.

You almost stop to wonder just what a strange artifact is doing to be acquired so early in your adventure, but you're definitely not one to complain. You also almost stop to wonder just what it is doing in a treasure chest owned by this guard, of all people. You hope the cover's not misleading and contains more of that guard's silly haikus. That would be a drag.
You turn around and take one final look at your three new comrades and the dirty cells you just managed to escape. Before you lies the exit to freedom, and whatever may lie beyond. You feel a great sense of tingling excitement swell within your body at the prospect of the adventures to come. Well, you tell yourself that but it might just be because you continue to stare at the exotic Lady Victorious. But who's to judge you, right?
You take your first steps through the exit and into the great unknown beyond...

PROLOGUE COMPLETE!

LEVEL UP!
Great Antonio Lvl 1 > 2
Manliness 10,000 > 10,135
Cunning 100 > 122
Headbutting Ability 28 > 30
Laser Eyebeam Power 0 > 0
Tactfulness 0 > -10
Lack of Clothing Over 9000
Viste Bueno (Lvl 1), Lady Victorious (Lvl 1), Scratchio (Lvl 1) have all joined your party

Inventory
Guard's cell keys
Potion
Book of Nintendo Cheat Codes

>>> Save Game?

>>>> Yes. I will save the game with gusto. Some much gusto that it will be saved violently!

>>>> Yes. I will save the game with gusto. Some much gusto that it will be saved violently!

Game is saved. System slightly damaged by gusto'ing save. Continue.

Chapter 1
On the path to greater manliness

You exit the prison cells, being blinded by the rather bright light of a midday sun. You walk up from the dungeon cells steps to find yourself and your three companions in the middle of a town. You can see many types of people walking about dressed in various types of exotic clothing, all with the touch of the fantastical. Some wear magical robes, others still wear knightly armour and some are wearing clothing you cannot even begin to describe. At any rate, pretty much everyone else is wearing more clothes than you. You perverted streaker, you.

You can see there are many different races of people walking about. Some are human such as yourself. Others are weird animal hybrids like your good friend Scratchio. Others just look plain weird and you haven't yet given a name to describe them yet, but you think a walking toaster is a pretty solid description for them.

The town is as fantastical as its people. In some places it looks like its made of traditional brick and cobblestones. Other buildings look like something from a science fiction novel. You can see blimps in the sky flying banners. There is the wild cheer and hustle and bustle of what you assume must be an upcoming festival. All of this is very strange. You have amnesia, sure, but even then you're not quite sure the world is supposed to be like this. Oh well, it seems like it will be an interesting experience to explore the world, and you are sure it will be an interesting experience for the world to see YOU.

You can see many different buildings within the region. There is a clock tower in the center, with an exit archway out of the town to the side of it. There are many different shops. One is a traditional clothing shop, another is an armour shop with a weapons shop to its side. On the opposite side of the street tere is a tavern and an inn plus an items shop. Further beyond that is a magics shop. There are also a variety of outside bazaar salesmen peddling their various goods.

There are so many things to see and do. You almost don't know where to begin. You are almost on the verge of fainting from the sheer number of choices but decide that fainting would not be a very manly thing to do, and you are nothing if not very manly. However whilst you may be able to resist fainting it seems that many of the females passing you by are not quite so lucky. They are indeed swooning for you and your lack of clothing. It is starting to cause quite a stir, actually.

And that is not particularly good considering you and your party are recently escaped convicts. Attention does not bode well for you.

"I say," Viste begins to talk. You almost forgot all about him and the other two. "One thinks it might be a good idea for you to acquire some clothing, good sir."

It is a good idea.
>>> Where do you go now?

Steal clothing from the closest passerby.

>Go back into the cells and steal the guard's clothing.

Don a pair of sunglasses and yell at someone. After all... who needs clothes when you have the power of AWESOME!!!

>>>Enter the nearest bar and demand someone's clothes, boots and motorcycle. Even if they don't have any of them.

>>>Enter the nearest bar and demand someone's clothes, boots and motorcycle. Even if they don't have any of them.

You decide that the best course of action is to enter the nearest tavern, and from there acquire some clothes. Your companions follow you to the tavern, all the whilst more and more women faint at your feet. You are leaving quite the trail behind you but you're certain that will all end soon.

You swing the doors open to the tavern with a mighty don. Everyone within stops their conversations and drinking. They turn their attention towards you. This is quite the epic scene.

"You!" You shout, pointing to the nearest individual. He is a pretty sweet looking dude dressed in some pretty sick armour and boots. He has a pretty fine set of facial hair, his handlebar mustache displaying an air of manliness you only wish you could achieve. He is also wearing some pretty incredible sunglasses. The man is the pinacle of manly greatness. You hate to admit it but even he is beginning to outdo you. Nevertheless, you press on with your demands. "I demand you give me your clothes, boots and motorcycle! Now!"

The man is silent. He folds his arms over his chest. The tension in the room could be cut with a knife. Everyone is staring in awe at the unfolding scene, and your companion Viste is starting to get a bit anxious at the attention. Lady Victorious is more embarrassed at you than anything, and is quietly pretending not to know who you are or be with you. Your great friend Scratchio is meanwhile picking his nose.

Finally, the intimidating man speaks.

"Sure, alright."

Result.

"I will give you my clothes and boots. But for the motorcycle, you must accomplish a quest for me."

Godamnit.

"What is this quest?" you ask.
"There is a woman who has been kidnapped by vicious trolls on the outskirts of town. Normally I would go and rescue her myself but as you can see I am busy drowning my sorrows in booze. What do you say, young man? Free her, bring her back, and I will teach you in the ways of the manly fist and you shall have my sweet ride."
>>> What is your reply?

>>>> Buy the man a box of Captain Fish's Fishy Sticks and agree to find his mother/daughter/whatever. After all, there are many things you could learn to do with your fists, and motorcycles are cool.

Agree to the quest but then immediately go and steal the man's motorcycle.

>You agree to take on the quest if he can also tell you if he knows someone who deals with information so they can help you find your identity.

Make monkey noises, jump and climb like a monkey, and convulse on the ground, which means yes in your native language

Make monkey noises, jump and climb like a monkey, and convulse on the ground, which means yes in your native language

In response to the mustached man's request, who shall henceforth be known as Master Mustachio, you make monkey noises, jumping up and down from the patrons tables, spilling their drink around before finally convulsing on the ground again as you had done earlier with the guard. There is nothing but silence from amongst everyone within the tavern, amazed, awed and genuinely scared at your bizarre antics. Behind you, Viste Bueno and Lady Victorious have their palms raised to their faces. It is a facepalm of epic proportions.

Master Mustachio has his arms folded again, his face wrenched deep in thought. Slowly, he nods.

"A reply worthy of a true man!" He exclaims. Nobody else in the tavern can seem to comprehend this bizarre turn of events. "I'm glad to have you on my side, young man!"

At that, Master Mustachio stands up and begins to undress himself of his armour and boots. Once he has sufficiently stripped himself down to his undergarments, he gives you his attire. You at once equip the various items.

ARMOUR EQUIP
BOOTS EQUIP

Defense +25
Speed +10
Manliness -50
Nakedness -A heck of a lot

Master Mustachio also gives you a map, which shows the layout of the great town you are currently visiting, and the location of the troll caverns where his precious woman has been kidnapped to. Just as you and your fellow travellers are about to leave, Master Mustachio imparts you a final bit of advice before you go to battle the trolls.

"Although you look like a powerfully happening dude, I have to recommend you go and equip yourself with a weapon of some kind. Trolls are resistant to the swooning aura of manliness that great men such as us expunge. Go and equip yourself with a mighty fine weapon and go and slay those wickedly bad monsters, alright?"

It is sound advice. You exit the tavern to the sounds of sweet relief from the patrons within. You are now back outside on the town streets, and you can see many of the once swooning and fainting women lying on the ground are coming back to the senses and continuing on with whatever it was they were doing before they happend upon seeing your awesome body. You are also far less conspicious now, even if you are wearing quite the chunky armour.

You could go and tackle the hoards of trolls now, or you could decide to do anything else within the town, such as acquiring a weapon.

>>> What is your next move?

> There is a spork on the ground. It is the perfect weapon.

(Pach, you are the best, I love you)

>> Head to local bard emporium, locate rocking steampunk guitar.

Use your cheatbook to conjure a weapon far stronger than what you could get now.

>>>> Use the cheat book to summon the Epic Spear to compliment your mad shishkababing skills you mad cook you! Then proceed to make troll flambe.